dizzy giant

by bly wallentine

/
1.
i knew i could not do what it would have taken to come out on top, and so i lost to an enemy. i had no fight in me, and the struggle left me like a wounded sparrow, and so i sipped from the panacea. i wasn't ready! i had not equipped my ego it was taken by an arrow in the wing and down it spiraled. as it lay lamenting, flightless, it was swaddled up and nurtured by a cavity in being, intermediary fissure who fiddled with my thought then placed me on a mountain, pushed me from the precipice; down again i spiraled. i watched the ground approach, but had no mind to fear its impact. guzzled by the earth, i continued my descent, broke through the asthenosphere, witnessed a division: stephen to the left of me, suffering, a victim. a hand reached down from heaven, cracked stephen in half, withdrew from it a rib then buried it in earth, and wept upon the soil and up began to spring a secondary body with a pair of intact wings. once the bone had settled and the creature's eyes had opened, a dove lighted upon me. i embraced it as an omen. i named the infant creature. "bly", i called it gently. it wished that i possess it. i entered through its crown. we made our journey upward, returning to the surface. i knew not to look behind me; i would shatter into dust. i am continually learning. i do not know. (in morse code) nothing’s worse than attacking what yields. to attack what yields is to throw away the prize. so, when matched armies meet, the one who comes to grief is the true victor. Eb Ab G- F- B D#- E A G#- G B- E Db E Ab
2.
i saddled a harrowing whisper of austerity, unstuck all the tentacles, but i left them suspended for a little too long. inscribed on the spine of my memoirs: a conspiracy of doubt and passivity, and i go on erasing my identity, on and on. i am a inconsistent current of electricity, (a conditional energy, an imbalanced polarity) an indeterminate resistance to connectivity! (a transitional apathy, a delinquent asynergy) i fumbled my way through the thicket to the genesis, the head of the octopus, and i bade it caress me and untether my heart. infecting the cavernous organ was a loneliness, the fear of a solipsist, i had fought it for decades, but i couldn't quite cut it out. BbΔ A- FΔ AΔ DΔ C#- B- AΔ EΔ F#Δ (AbΔ AΔ) Bb BbΔ A- FΔ AΔ DΔ C#- B- AΔ EΔ Db AΔ F#- BΔ EbΔ AΔ F#- BΔ EbΔ CΔ AbΔ FΔ
3.
trust, jealousy, betrayal, humiliation. fear, animosity, hatred, demonization. war, dishonesty, violence, ostracization. grief, self-pity, despair, isolation. hope, recovery, forgiveness, transformation. love!, honesty, connection, reconciliation? it had great impact, the feminine destruction, the experiential distortion, the cutting off of my limbs, the taking of my name in vain, the way they took my power, and made of my image an effigy, the abandonment which followed, the poverty and bodily corruption. it was all in my head and outside my head, a terrifying shadow of which my mind made meaning. it was all in my head and outside my head, a man in my nightmares with razors for fingers. A- A-/G F#-7b5 F△ A- A-/G F#-7b5 Bb△ A- A-/G F#-7b5 F△ A- C△/G B- Bb△ D- E- D- F△ D- C△ Bb△ A△
4.
i linger in a dreamlike state, my bobbling floating head., i cannot fathom material ways so i fail to give them heed. my tongue, it tastes the warmth of the sun and sings the air into motion, but it must be fed, and my head must be housed to continue their animation. it is a strange world that i have created from the bones of my fear, and my lack, and my need, but i am learning to keep myself sated. it is contentment i plant like a seed. there was a time when i was fearful. i flailed my arms and shook my head! desperate for a morsel of sustenance, i ate my own tail eternally, and it hurt like a bitch, but i just couldn't stop myself! this heaven will pass away, and the one above it will pass away. the dead are not alive, and the living will not die. in the days when you consumed what is dead, you made it what is alive. when you come to dwell in the light, what will you do? on the day when you were one you became two. but when you become two, what will you do? FΔ E- AΔ FΔ CΔ/G EΔ FΔ E- AΔ F Δ CΔ/G GΔ E- B- F#- G/A B- DΔ/F# Asus4 E-
5.
the wreckage of the golden urn lay silent under my arthritic wrists i thought the ash would come to life again but it didn't, no. i sensed residual fear and apathy, lingering animosity. the fallout of inelegant loss: i almost clipped out of the physical realm i didn't think i'd come to life again but it happened, yes, but it's all different now. it's quieter. F△ F#- B7 B△ G△ G#- E△ A△ G#- D
6.
i couldn't easily retrieve the glowing artifact, but i perceived it beckoning me into it the chamber. no other chemical had moved me like this molecule. i entered in and abandoned my will. my mind is a universe of matter, and i can't get out of it! inside, i can hear the distant mutters of my former identities. my mind is in endless oscillation, and i can't get over it! i feel the rhythmic undulation of a cosmic pulsing energy. beyond the images that made up my reality, i found a great and terrible world of incoherent reason. beneath the seventh layer, i finally found the alchemist. i saw its face and remembered my name. i was searching in the forest for the origin of a sorrow i could not escape i didn't know myself completely yet. there, i found a mouth with ten thousand tongues, and it swallowed me. i found knowledge of a light which dwells in me. F#Δ DbΔ Bb- AbΔ Eb- BbΔ D- G/F CΔ A- F#Δ DbΔ Bb- AbΔ Eb- BbΔ D- A- E- FΔ B- E- DΔ GΔ F#- G/A B- E- DΔ FΔ AbΔ EbΔ E- F#- G/A B- E- DΔ GΔ F#- G/A B- E- DΔ EΔ AΔ C#- F#- AΔ G#- AΔ B
7.
i feel something radiant, aglow. is it toxic or is it the decadent power to change my stubborn perspective at my own will? the walls are not closing in around me. i am growing bigger and bigger, encompassing everything! hopefully it wants to be encompassed. i really don't want to hurt it or disturb its inert comfort. perhaps i shouldn't have grown so immense. and now i feel myself shrinking back down into a safe smallness, a quiet, deferent feminine character with no natural inclination toward offense. i sense something significant, intact. is it karma or is it the product of chaos, a pseudo-divine intervention of my own writ? a vision is swelling up inside me. i am growing bigger and bigger, encompassing everything! Ab△ Eb△ C△ F△ A△ D△ Bb△ G△ E△ F△ A- C△ E- G△ A△ C△ E- F△
8.
some days i can't feel any love at all. i don't know if it's missing or if i just can't let it in! do i stretch my fingers toward the face of my lover? will it trouble the waters if i ask for a resonance? some days i tighten the shackles on my heart. o, why can't i unbind it no matter how deeply i breathe? will the morning sun beget the key to the distance? will it render me hopeless like a child in an avalanche? F△ G7 F△ Db△ Ab△ E- D△ F#-/B B△ C#- F#7 D△ B- G△ Eb- Ab7 Eb- Ab7 A△
9.
yet again your cruel ways confound me (i don't get it)! you easily decimate me. i am no match for you and the ease with which you harm me. this isn't my wheelboat, honey. i'm not a destroyer. i won't defend myself, not if it hurts you, even though i know it's to my great material detriment and you'll use it to condemn me to a life of isolation. i accept the solitude. i don't know what to do besides love! you keep burning me every day. i keep loving me anyway. i don't know what to do besides love! you lash out when i disobey. i keep loving you anyway. yet again your reasoning eludes me (i still don't get it)! you entertain any fiction your ego sells to you and you turn it into power. keep your hyperbolic evil! i'm not a projection. i won't reciprocate. i wouldn't hurt you! even though my heart is aching to set the record straight, i decline to indulge it. my spirit is occupied with golden metamorphosis. subfXmX9mystery?submXsku|objectoffear&wonder trans woman, false female, wolf in women's clothes: coarse skin, hairy foot (2), broad shoulder (2), bulging penis. speaks love, seeks belonging. [it seems like a man; it must want to fuck you. it changes its name, paints its face to fool you. it is danger; do not believe it.] G△ B7b9 E- G/A D△ E- F#- C△ Bb△ G△ E- G- A7b9 Bb△ D7b9 G- Bb/C F△ G- A- Eb△ Db△ Bb△ G- Bb/C A- Bb△ A- G- Eb△ Bb/C F#△ Db△ Bb△ A- G- Eb△ Bb/C Bb△ F△ Eb△ Ab△ D△ G△ C△ Eb/F
10.
at last i was released from the pillory of my own construction. i touched feather down, felt it all around me. i know safety now i feel it well inside me. i took steady relief in the vertebrae of a dizzy giant. it spoke quiet words, made of them a tonic. i sipped lingual milk, languid and hypnotic. the wound shrank and obscured like the silhouette of a distant harbor. can i hold it still, swaddle it in linens? will the flesh endure, stable and resilient? i won't forget, but i won't really remember either. it's gone on like this since the egg cracked open! a domino fell, and now everyone's got trauma. oh, well! you can't put humpty dumpty back together. you either forgive and roll on or end up miserable forever like a little bitch-bastard! i love you so much. i have always had it all, the knowledge that i needed, the truth that so eluded me, the echoes of an inner conflict— inner as in outer— i mean the stomach of a glowing sphere... the answers to my questions the ones i hadn't asked yet not "how can i become redeemed?" not "how can i be mended?" but rather "how am i already just as is intended?" i found it in our spirit. if only i could keep it at the front of my mind, but for now i guess the back will do, and i can leave some markers runes and cryptic icons to lead me back to essence. forgiveness, that's one that i believe i can hold onto. D△ A△ G△ Bb△ E△ A△ D△ G△ D△ x2 F#- G△ B- D△ C△ B- A△ B△ A△ B△ F#- G△ B- D△ E- A7 A△/G# D7 D△/C# x2 C7 C△ E7 E△ Ab7 Ab△ B7 B△ F7 F△/E
11.
can anybody hear me? i'm screaming out to you from behind this aeons long, miles deep pane of glass which separates the i from the you. if i can sing loud enough, or high enough, or up and down enough, or side to side enough, or far and close enough, or like a man enough, or like a woman enough, maybe something will finally resonate in your heart, or your soul, or your psyche, or whatever the fuck it is in us that feels, and if the air i move can shake your body, and if you drink the milk from my mouth, maybe you will be filled with my love everlasting. maybe you will feel the warmth of my grace and maybe you will find rest.

about

Dizzy Giant is a beautiful, trippy, groovy, mind-bending, gut-wrenching, time-warping, energy-transmuting psychedelic dream pop record. It tells the story of a period of suffering I endured and the joy, love, peace, forgiveness, and inner power which bloomed out of that suffering. I'm so grateful for the light and understanding which my all of my difficult experiences have brought me.

credits

released July 23, 2021

bly wallentine wrote and produced the record at studio studio dada in provo, ut. they also sang, programmed and foraged drums, and played guitar, banjo (plucked/bowed), percussion, piano, organ & pump organ, bass guitar, synthesizers, winds (alto horn, cornet, clarinet, recorder) throughout the record.

andrew weathers [https://andrewweathers.bandcamp.com] mastered the record in littlefield, tx.

jillian rogers screamed and played noisy percussion, banjo, piano, and recorder on "feminine destuction". she also sang on "any love at all" and "dizzy giant (the egg cracked open)".

logan hone [loganhone.bandcamp.com] played saxophone on "feminine destruction" and "any love at all".

chris shemwell [chrisshemwell.bandcamp.com] contributed drum loops for "feminine destruction".

katy ducos played trombone on "dizzy giant (the egg cracked open)"

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bly wallentine Provo, Utah

bly wallentine makes records with their loved ones in provo, utah.

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